| hella tired |
[08 Aug 2008|02:17pm] |
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so i got a car. its amazing. it's a stick shift, which is awesome, xuz they get better gas mileage and can go faster. but i kind of suck at driving one :( so far... but ill get better... work is semi exciting, as im learning to become shift leader. its a lot of work and sometimes a pain in the ass and stressful too but im still excited, idk why. i have to work at dobson and main on thursday which is gonna comepletely suck because i might have to drive there and omg, its kind of scary but whatever. they got robbed at gunpoint a month ago which is terrifying. i have to work from 5-11. anyways, i have a lot on my to do list including order more b.c., put an alarm in my car, cancel asu loan and go to work.
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| i wanna |
[20 Jul 2008|08:01pm] |
go to the pita grill and get hummus and filafal, yum...
i wanna go... NOW.
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| went to the doctor today |
[16 Jul 2008|10:41pm] |
He put me on 20 mg adderall for adhd once in the morning, then I take 10 mg ritalin 2-3x a day after that. I'm also on Abilify for bipolar and depression, 15 mg, and Klonopin 1 mg for anxiety, and Singulair 10mg for asthma... and don't forget the birth control... this came to a grand total of $130 for the medication and $30 for the dr's appt. the abilify alone is $611 without insurance, but only a $50 copay for me. yeah, i hate taking medication, but it helps me tremendously. with it, ive held down a job and passed college classes. without it, i would be probably using drugs, getting into trouble with the law, and suicidal and depressed.
then I went to the bank with my dad to get a loan. it looks like im going to stay in gilbert and go to cgcc and become a manager at blockbuster. my dad doesnt want to get out a big loan for school, but hes willing to help me get a car and pay for community college... my mom isnt thrilled but she is finally coming to terms with it. i will go to asu, but now right now. i want to go to asu, but i also want to do a lot of other things and i just dont know yet.
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[23 Jun 2008|07:46pm] |
Today the store closed early due to a power outage. It was brutally hot and everything had to be checked out manually. The best part was the free ice cream we got out of it. I'm pissed though cuz my hours were taken from me, so I'm going to see if I can come in tomorrow and help out. They are sure as hell going to be busy and it's going to suck.
I need to finish my book. it's been sitting here on the desk for weeks now... its just the last little bit but its really getting boring now. ugh.
blah...
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| kory |
[21 Jun 2008|06:24pm] |
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i miss him already. he is gone for eight days! but i have girls to dream about :) work was fun today; i love working with deb! we got a chance to talk, and if i don't go to asu this fall i may be able to move up, and become manager. that is, if kim leaves. but she probably will because in august school starts and she will probably have a teaching job. my mom is practically forcing me to go to asu. i don't even want to go. i want to get a car, go to chandler-gilbert, and work at blockbuster. i love it there. i watched definately,maybe yesturday. it was a bit slow, but surprisingly good and inspiring :)
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| hello |
[18 Jun 2008|03:18pm] |
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music |
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mgmt: 4th dimensional transition |
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just thought id update today. watched charlie bartlett with kory last night. very cute, witty, accurate in some aspects. thought it was a light comedy with some laughs. better than a usual movie. we ate popcorn and hung out afterwards. it was fun...
idk how im going to stay up tonight for the inventory. we may just get out at five am. its going to suck ballz. guess im going to have to drink a shit load of coffee.
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| lockjaw |
[12 Jun 2008|06:12pm] |
when i fell off the quad in mexico, i thought my wounds were okay but apparently they got infected. i now have tetanus which can lead to death if not treated. last night i yawned and my mouth got stuck open (called lockjaw).
the jaw bones clinked and snapped and wouldn't let me close my mouth. i was completely stuck. my face looked all sideways and fucked up. i went to the ER but while i was there it snapped closed, then when i opened my mouth again it struck open. after about thirty min. it closed again, and they released me without treatment (they didn't know there was any correlation about my previous injury with my knee). when i got home, it was spazzing again. i thought i was going to have to go back to the er but it closed again after five minutes.
tetanus is crazy, it controls the central nervous system and can spread to my entire body. i go to the doctor first thing in the morning. always clean your wounds very well and get your tetatunus shot. i dropped out of school so i think i missed mine. well that's my story.
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| prison sentence |
[28 Nov 2007|02:41pm] |
Matthew Logan Massey P293403
 
001 FELONY COUNT OF DANGEROUS DRUG-POSS/USE 001 FELONY COUNT OF DANGEROUS DRUG-POSS/USE 001 FELONY COUNT OF MARIJUANA-POSSESS/USE 001 FELONY COUNT OF DRUG PARAPHERNALIA-POSSESS/USE 001 FELONY COUNT OF DRUG PARAPHERNALIA-POSSESS/USE 001 FELONY COUNT OF USE/HIRE MINOR IN DRUG OFFENSE 001 FELONY COUNT OF FORGERY-W/WRITTEN INSTRUMENT
001 FELONY COUNT OF FORGERY-POSS FORGED INSTRUMENT
FUCK COPS!
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[08 Jul 2007|12:49pm] |
It makes me terribly depressed to think of how much life I've let wasted away because of the drugs I had been abusing. Then again I am reminded often of how much I wouldn't be where I am today, which is a very lovely place, if it wasn't for my use. I am happier than I have ever been before but just as high there are the lows - more depressed and deeply saddened than ever too - this paradox - except the negative thoughts I finally have a grip of, and I can control them.
I quit college, it was fake and an utter bore. I started my own unschooling program where I teach myself everything I want to know, and it's turning out to be fantastic. I have a great bf - Matt - who supports my goals and dreams and my best friend Simon who is positively the only real friend I have ever had in my life, and I absolutely adore spending time with her.
I have been reading books on a variety of different levels, but the most effective by far have been the ones on Buddhist philosophy because I'm really started to get it now, and I feel better than ever.
My only problem is my kleptomania. I have been stealing a lot lately. In the past month I ahve stolen at least $1000 worth of shit from dillards, barnes and noble, borders, mall stores like hottopic and american eagle, fry's and such...getting free shit is nice... but it won't make you any happier.
And also, I know I have ADD, and I need medication for it. It is starting to interfere with my life and it's ruining everything.
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[18 Mar 2007|07:46pm] |
I am so blank.
I am nothing.
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[22 Jan 2007|11:11pm] |
I go to school now. I'm in college. My favorite part about school is that you can smoke on campus. It's fun pretending to be of age. Spanish 101 is basically an insult to my intelligence. World Philosophy is most intriguing. My sister has been infiltrating the classes, since the teachers don't take attendance and don't really care. She has been learning for free.
I got a job at Albertson's, but I have to pass the piss test, and it's not looking up. If my mom is cool she will buy me a detox drink or some shit.
For about a month I have had an enlarged lymph node in my neck. It is hard and lumpy and won't go away. I went to the doctor's. I have to take this medicine shit now, or else it will turn into cancer. I can't wait to die!
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[29 Dec 2006|10:09pm] |
It's always some drug problem
I quit doing coke
so much
but if it's not coke
it's ecstasy or k
Idk why
I'm so fucked up
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[24 Jun 2006|12:58am] |
Yeah hello peeps I always neglect my LJ...
bored as fuck in motherfucking Arizona. WTF. Why do people even live here. Oh yeah they're dumb that's why.
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[24 May 2006|04:07pm] |
I quit doing heroin...the same day I quit smoking cigarettes - my last entry - May 4th. I absolutely hate it. Not only does it make my heart hurt, it makes me want it more and more. And I just lost a friendship because he chose this highly addictive drug over anything else - he started getting to be like a really mean junky. A lot of my friends turn out this way. That is stupid. I do drugs as complete experiments, and I want to be a scientist when I'm older. There is a normal balance between my experiment platform and my sober platform. I don't make it a point to become dependent on any drug, and as I am a very strong individual, I am able to handle that responsibilty to take care of myself like an adult. To not fuck up. To not get addicted.
But I love cocaine, that's for sure.
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[04 May 2006|02:09pm] |
SO there I was, getting high for the first time this week, well, not first time as I have smoked for several years but first time since… last week.
It was killing me; it really was, suburbia, all my idle time, and all that dull stuff about life. I had no money – no job – and 73 absences in school, mostly due to hangovers, because I drink too much. I know I should stop, and I am perfectly able to, but I like it. And stealing it is really easy. I mean if they'd just let me buy the damn thing...
And I get sick too much.
I suppose I should quit smoking cigarettes.
But anyway, my friend Hunter called me the other day and announced his presence with an old friend of ours, Zach, and we proceeded to make some firecrackers to eat. We hoped the weed we baked it with would make us baked. It turned out to be one hell of an experience, partially due to the fact that when I ingested the weed it made me have flashbacks of all kinds. You see, I used to dabble in the psychedelics area a bit too much. I've taken five hits of acid at once, but I did do it all the time. The only time I get flashbacks is when I'm really stoned. They are real flashbacks. Most people I know have never had one, so they don't really think it exists, but it does. It is scary sometimes. But fun most of the time. You really have to treasure it like a good dream you never forget, because it doesn't come around very often. When the flashbacks hit me we were walking in the park. The grass field turned into dancing neon gingerbread people. And everything was outlined in colors. After my friends and I got a bite to eat, I walked out and saw this kid, who was smoking a cigarette. He was a kid I went to junior high with. He reminds me of a much simpler time, when we thought we knew everything. In high school I did so much coke and acid together, doing them both at the same time very regularly, made me pretty fuckin fucked up, that I haven't talked to any of my old friends. We all hang around different people. That's just how it is.
So here we are, he gives me a cigarette and we talk, and I can just know he is coked out of his mind. He used to be chubby but now he is slender. And he was acting like some other cokeheads I know, other people, – including myself. For a few minutes I was so stoned I felt like I was on coke when I was talking to him. It was sad, when I always make the same observations on people that do coke, including my ex-girlfriend. Including myself.
Coke just totally sucked me in so fast I never stopped to think.
What's not fun: throwing up, nosebleeds, insomnia, and trying to find money.
I knew I should stop and I did. It got to the point, where, on a family vacation, I would do lines in the car with everyone in it, like when the music is on loud. I'm in the back seat. What do they know?
Now too poor, and living off government subsidies (aka Dictator Father, allowance), I'm rationed a few dollars a week but blow it off on cigarettes and stuff. There is never any money and when there are a few dollars I may throw down for H. It is a good high, although it always makes me throw up. It is a very involved drug, a very serious one. I felt like dying at least twice, I smoked so much heroin I just stopped in my tracks and passed the fuck out. Or I would still be awake, but barely, like feeling barely alive, almost dead. It is a revelation in itself.
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[26 Apr 2006|02:38pm] |
Okay. So I'm totally stoned right, and I eat a whole bunch of Thai food with my mom and her new boyfriend at some nice sushi bar. It was good, because I was all giggly and nice the whole time. Whereas if I wasn't stoned I would be too serious and pessimistic. That's what I hate about myself. That's why I love weed. It gives me new perspectives on things. Her boyfriend isn't that bad at all, in fact he picked up a copy of High Times in Tower records and showed me, and I laughed... he said "I haven't seen one of these in years!" and then I picked up Curve, a lesbian magazine, and he wanted to look at it... so he pretty much knows I'm a stoner and a lesbian. I think he rides Harleys. He smokes ciggs too. He cares about my mom so thats good I guess. I don't know what I think yet.
Rachel is still depressing as fuck. She has no personality. She has a chemical imbalance... because of the biggest drug problem in Arizona, G aka glass. Even though you can get heroin here pretty easily and blow too, g is cheaper and more addictive, and it's a major issue right now. Supposedly it rewires the brain and fucks it over. My mom keeps saying,"Give her time, she'll snap out of it." But that's bullshit.
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[30 Jan 2006|11:28pm] |
I feel so helpless, so isolated. I am not free to make my own choices about what I want with my life. I can't leave this place... it's like I'm on house arrest.
The Postal Service
This place is a prison
And these people aren't your friends
Inhaling thrills through $20 bills
And the tumblers are drained and then flooded again
And again
Ther're guards at the on ramps armed to the teeth
And you may case the grounds from the cascades to puget sound,
But you are not permitted to leave
I know there's a big world out there like the one i saw on the screen
In my living room late last night,
It was almost too bright to see
And i know that it's not a party if it happens every night
Pretending there's glamour and candelabra
When you're drinking by candlelight
What does it take to get a drink in this place?
What does it take, how long must I wait?
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[30 Jan 2006|11:26pm] |
Got high and went to Fry's, stole a bunch of shit, and to top it off, took a sleeping pill and a shot of vodka. Yum!
I think I'm going to bed.
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[27 Nov 2005|09:43pm] |
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I'm homesick for something that doesn't exist.
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